I want to be happy

You ever wonder what it takes to be Happy? I feel like everybody is either always happy or everybody does a great job of faking it. I know it's silly in a world to think I'm the only one that feels a certain way, but sometimes I feel so in between the lines.  (Fun fact that's what my entire blog page was called) I have always felt that I have lived between the lines. I was never right or left in highschool, I was somewhere in the middle. I'm not awful at sports, but I'm not great at them either. I am not a "beat you over the head with a bible" believer, but I'm not "there's nothing out there" either. I can't cook , but I can bake. I have days where you can see my ribs and then days where I have 3 belly rolls when I sit down.

That darn Britney Spears song plays in my mind 1000 times a day sometimes...and you know which one I am referring to. The one where it's like not a girl not yet a woman...well that's my life. I'm a 23 year old mom. I still fit in my clothes from before I had a baby, but do i still where them? Do i where the crop top and high waisted shorts? They fit? I paid outrageously for such little fabric..but all the other moms at the mandatory family fun work day picnic (p.s. nothing is fun when it's made manadatory) don't where clothes like this. Hence where my anxiety kicks in and I think everyone is judging me. (Yes I know i shouldn't care what people think, but guess what..I do) and I know I'm being judged because someone always comments on it. It's like if you don't wear makeup and everyone thinks your sick or something...those are the kinda comments i get. I love the way I look in these clothes , but I can't be happy in them feeling like I'm being judge every time I wear them..so i where some loose shorts and a t-shirt. Meh..its comfortable and nobody is judging so I'm content..im not happy but I'm content.

This loops back around and goes much deeper then clothes... I know this is normal way to think, but I just wish there was something I was not in between the lines about. I wish there was something that truly made me happy.  Like some people have running. (Yes there are people out there who run for fun.) Some people have music, painting, idk something. My husband and son make me happy, but it's a different kind of happy. As with the different types of love out there, I believe there are different types of happy. I'm looking for that deep down personal happiness.

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