Between The Lines

Dear blog diary, The bad days are really hard. I feel so alone sometimes. I know this is the stupidest thing, but I try so hard to meet knew people and try so hard to fit in with groups that it makes it 10 times harder when I'm rejected. I am a grade a loner. Personal space is a must...but when you have a baby you never get that. Something or someone is always touching you and it is literally making my skin crawl. So getting away for an hour or two is wanted and needed, but never happens. Do u know what the longest time I've spent away from my son since he has been born...and hour..we cosleep so he's still there at night.  Loving my kid is easy, he's perfect to me, but liking him is a different story sometimes. Having my son put me in a totally different ball park of groups and let me tell you mom social media is vicious. I reach out and ask questions on Twitter and not one mom will respond (and I know they are out there...watching...waiting...) the Facebook group page...

You ever just randomly started a book and  got so into it you just couldn't put it down. I love reading. I always have and I'm fairly certain I always will. If someone could put the smell of a fresh new inked book in a candle you can bet I would own every one. Reading a book is literally the one thing nobody can take away from me. I can imagine the story how I want it. It takes you places you've never gone. Historical fiction and contemporary love stories are my favorite right now. It's like entering into a new world and having new friends. I wish everybody read just so I could discuss books with them. I would love to just have a reading party. Bring your favorite book, comfiest pjs, and your favorite beverage and just read until you fall asleep. Reading right before bed is the best because my dream will usually relate to the book I've just read. I would love to do book reviews, but there is just to much difference of opinions out there for that. Cheap used books ...

Perfect days are so rare and so wonderful when they happen. It's a beautiful sunny 75 degrees and a breeze is blowing to keep you cool. I worked out in the garden, went into town and paid bills, got a few toys for my kid, got the yard mowed, took a shower, my child is napping, it's not hot...i could go on and on about how wonderfully simple the past few days have been. It's funny how things change. It's the little things that make me so happy now. Like seeing how happy your husband is when you tell him you snagged him tickets to pkemongofest before they sold out. These days are amazing, but I can't help think what makes them amazing is my sanity in knowing we have structure in our lives. A routine that is so common and would bore anyone else is where my happiness comes from. I live for it...the clothes are put away, the kitchen is clean, the cats are healthy, I just want to come back and read this when their aren't perfect days to remind myself that it's no...

You ever wonder what it takes to be Happy? I feel like everybody is either always happy or everybody does a great job of faking it. I know it's silly in a world to think I'm the only one that feels a certain way, but sometimes I feel so in between the lines.  (Fun fact that's what my entire blog page was called) I have always felt that I have lived between the lines. I was never right or left in highschool, I was somewhere in the middle. I'm not awful at sports, but I'm not great at them either. I am not a "beat you over the head with a bible" believer, but I'm not "there's nothing out there" either. I can't cook , but I can bake. I have days where you can see my ribs and then days where I have 3 belly rolls when I sit down. That darn Britney Spears song plays in my mind 1000 times a day sometimes...and you know which one I am referring to. The one where it's like not a girl not yet a woman...well that's my life. I'm a 23...

So this is gonna be one of those post/blog that maybe someone will get some use out of. Sometimes I feel so bad because I don't do anything. I don't work or go to school. I just stay home and take care or my kid. (Let's be honest though daycare is way to much) anyway, I can tell when I haven't been productive because I feel sluggish and useless and I really get depressed. So these are things I do that hopefully you can do to help you. 10: GET A PLANNER: Now before you say I have nothing to write in a planner,  I don't ever actually use it, or i use it for like a month and then never touch it again. I did everyone of those things above.  9.  WRITE WHAT YOU DO IN A DAY IN THAT PLANNER: it helps me feel so much more productive by just actually using the planner. I write every mundane thing down. Like I took shower, I did the dishes, I read in my book. And by the end of the week I can see everything I did. Sometimes just taking a shower is an accomplishment for me som...

As I lay here thinking about blogging and stuff.  I realize how much I hate physically writing my thoughts down. But this is so much faster. So instead of treating this like a blog where I post actually bloggy  things (ya know blog stuff) I'm just gonna write what I would in a journal. This is so much more convenient and faster. This will be my personal open to the world diary. As I wrote that, i didn't realize how scary that last sentence sounded. Now it's not like the world knows who I am and I'm pretty sure only one person reads these (whaddup  paige) blogs of mine. If, however, a person should stumble upon this just know i am a person who makes mistakes. I also am the person who writes these on my phone under a window unit breastfeeding my squirmy 7month old. So these will be gargled thoughts that aren't finished and probably spit back at the phone. I do a lot of time explaining myself because I am always so worried about offending somebody. I hate hurting peo...

What do you do when you are angry with God? Yup, I said it I am so freaking pissed off at God. I am a person of great Faith. I have been in every bible class, every church service, every Awana Program, If it was at the Church you can bet your last dollar that I was there to. I am a lot older now and my faith has become so lost in this world. Something I was so firm in when I was young is so torn now that I am older. You can call me naïve and you can say that I am just now learning the world is bad and question my faith and ask why I still even believe. ( woo run on sentence there). Want me to be real black and white honest. I don't know why I still believe. That breaks my heart, it truly and utterly breaks my heart that my faith is so lost that I cant even find my way back to it. It always creeps in my head ( and your local preacher would say that's the devil in which hes probably right) the question of Why do bad things happen to good people? The older I get the more I notic...

Today, is the first day I am truly alone. As in my child, I, and our 6 cats our without the man of the house. NOW,  this is something I've dealt with before. Being an Army Wife..(Oh did I mention that?) I am accustomed to being alone. However, this is the first time I am alone with our son and no family around. What is one to do with life..with a 6 month old baby and in a weird state you don't call home. Well I'll tell ya what to do ( more like offer...im not leader) NOTHING. I am going to do what I do every day, just like any other time. I will clean, I will work in the garden, and I will take my son to his ridiculously  over priced mommy and me play classes. The days will go on just like any other days, but the nights however those will be hard. See the front door that he usually comes through at 7ish..well ok 8ish (thanks army) won't be open. Dinner won't be on the table and this means dishes won't be in The sink The computer in the man cave won't be on...

10 Facts About Me: 10. I love Reading. I would insert some generic quote about reading here, but I feel that is a little try to hard to make you believe I am a reader. 9. Historical fiction is my favorite genre anything. 8. My husband, my son, and I all have middle names that start with M and we think its awesome. Probably more awesome then it really is, but hey ya gotta get your laughs somehow #cheapcomedy 7. I love cats. Like way to much. I will not specify how many cats I own for fear of judgment....ahahaha just kidding I own 6. So now that we got that out there, just know I will choose my cats over other human interaction any day of the week 6. I hate Religion. I literally grew up in church and I hate how it makes people. I LOVE MY FAITH. I love the good lord above and let my knees hit the ground every night before bed. I am still coming to learn about my faith in the Lord. Its a journey 5. I love spaghetti and Toast. I also weigh 130 pounds. I have no idea how because ...

 So, I guess this is my new way to talk to the world since I can not seem to get the courage to say what I actually want to out loud. My name is Jessica and this is my blog. I have no idea how long I will actually go at this. My best friend Paige enticed me to get one of these so we could talk back and forth ( ya, know because we are cool hipsters). If I stick with this, then this is probably one of those things I will look back and be embarrassed by what I wrote and it will be very cringeworthy. Few things to know about me is that I am growing as a person and in this present time in life I am so incredibly lost. I think what truly saddens me is that I shouldn't be sad or lost. I have a degree, a husband, and a healthy baby boy.  I also have shelter, food, money in the bank, and support from family that are a few days drive away. Sadly, I sit here emptier then a pitcher of lemonade on a hot summer day. I am a stay at home mom and I a...