Loosing Faith

What do you do when you are angry with God? Yup, I said it I am so freaking pissed off at God. I am a person of great Faith. I have been in every bible class, every church service, every Awana Program, If it was at the Church you can bet your last dollar that I was there to.

I am a lot older now and my faith has become so lost in this world. Something I was so firm in when I was young is so torn now that I am older. You can call me naïve and you can say that I am just now learning the world is bad and question my faith and ask why I still even believe. ( woo run on sentence there). Want me to be real black and white honest. I don't know why I still believe. That breaks my heart, it truly and utterly breaks my heart that my faith is so lost that I cant even find my way back to it.

It always creeps in my head ( and your local preacher would say that's the devil in which hes probably right) the question of Why do bad things happen to good people? The older I get the more I notice this. I See it all the time. A child with cancer on facebook and there are hundreds of thousands people commenting "sending prayers" only for the child to die a few days later. I read about a WW2 Soldier who was a part of Easy Company ( if you don't know look it up) who went through the war only to be killed in a car accident as soon as he got home...like what the hell?  This is where someone chimes in with this is trials of how much you really love god, and how dedicated of a Christian are you...I guess I just suck at it.

I love God and I know he is out there because I have literally felt his presence before. (Yes I know creepy) but that's a different story for later. I just wish I understood him better. Like if God were to walk through my door and sit on my bed and say " Jessica you are an idiot and this is what I want you to do" I would say Yes sir and do it.

I'm sitting here writing this in all my jumbled thoughts and I think about what may happen to my life. My husband's career is on the wire and I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting on a sign of what to do. I'm so nervous and anxious that I want to throw up. I've prayed about it and I feel like it gets me no where. So to sum up that's why I'm mad at God. I feel like it doesn't make sense and I don't know what to do. I don't know the next steps to take. I don't know how to process or keep up with life. And I feel like I'm crying out "save me God' "help us God" and its silence...

P.s. I hate this post. It's awful writing but I'm to depressed to actually care right now

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