Between The Lines

The world is an awful place The world is a beautiful place Literally I want to travel the world and see all of its wonders, although I also want to stay in my little bubble and bring my child with me in said bubble I feel I have no right to complain when I can openly walk down the streets, in shorts, of my suburban neighbor towing my kid in his wagon while he munches on over priced veggie chips and is fully clothed. I also will have a huge bottle of water that I easily obtained from my sink. I think to myself Jessica how can u be so depressed, angry, and wanting more when I already have what some people pray for every night. This in turn spirals me to become more mad at myself for being ungrateful for my relatively easy life and mundane first world problems, like the trash collectors never coming on time. They always seem to come right when he's napping. I feel everything for people in third world countries. I watched a movie called Lion the other day. The first 30 minutes and

I am a big memory person. I remember every feeling, every thought, and every hope a big situation in my life brought me. I can't just let stuff go. I try, but it only works for so long. Wishing to forget the past is a hard thing to get a grip on. The past is what makes us who we are, but I feel like it such a hard thing to let go of but still hold on to the lesson. For instance, I am a huge creeper like internet stalker times 10. That's a huge embarrassing confession, but it's honest, but here's the kicker I don't do anything with the information I find nor care for it. I just want to know that people from my past are alive and how their lives are going. I creep people that I've literally never said a word to in my life, just simply went to the same high school with. 🙈 I hate me sometimes. The memories that hurt are the people I actually talked to. You could say I'm hung up on the past, but if someone asked me if I wanted to go back I'd say hell no.

How do I become happy with my life? I read and read about all these people who hated their life so they simply quit their jobs sold all their shit and  started over. Well I'm married, no job, and 1 kid. I can't do those things. I depend on my husband for stability and my son depends on me for well every thing else. Post partum depression is real and it hits you at the weirdest times. You would think at 10 months I would have my shit together, but I can't help but think of all the ways my life has changed. I can't just go hangout with friends or just think about myself. Everything has to be planned out. I love my son so much and I would probably literally die of heartache if he weren't around, but I am genuinely a sad person now a days. I wish someone cared about me the way I care about my son and my husband's well being.  Eh this is all I have time to write. Well honestly it's all the energy I have to write. Maybe I'll come back and be a little happ

I love watching YouTube videos. I love watching peoples vlogs and videos they make. I have a few people I've watched forever, but it is so sad to see how money changes people. I was going through the annual back to school videos. (I want all the school supplies) and I look at all the stuff they are giving away and just buying because it's cute. Most of these people are in their early 20s literally buying 1000s of dollar worth of school supplies to earn followers and likes. It makes me wonder about all the moms and dads ouut there scraping by to just by their kids the bare minimum. I remember wanting the lisa Frank folders and the colorful pens. I did not grow up poor but I certainly was not wealthy & I remember being allowed 1 pretty folder and the rest were the ones my mom could get for 25cents.  I totally understand it's their money they worked for it...but damn I feel like maybe going into target and seeing a mom shopping for her kid right there and then and buying

There are few things in this world I hate more then being a military wife....that being raw onions, Hitler, and people who wear socks with flip flops. However being a military wife is my number one hatred. I hate it..absolutely hate it. I hate the dependant status. I hate the other wives. I hate the moving. I hate being married to the military and not my actual husband. I hate how it dictates our life. I hate the PT. I hate the deployments. The wives who have been married to men who are higher in rank are all like " look at all this money" and I'm like look at all you sacrificed for it. It's just not fucking worth it. I am currently a 2 days drive away from any of my family. I have lost all my friends except like 2. I gave up my career. Can't go back to school because well we move again  to soon to start a program in any college. I have to take whatever stupid part time job I can get just to have some purpose. The military wife stigma is to stay home and pop 

Loneliness and anger just keep building I am in a cage with the door wide open I want to run and never look back I want to give up and let go I wish I had listen to everyone I can't believe how ignorant I am But I guess that's what I am I'm easy I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy Even if it cost me my own happiness I can't pretend any longer I can't do the work all by myself any longer But I'll keep doing it I want to be selfish now I want to pursue my dreams I want to live where I choose I want help when I ask for it I want someone to support me mentally not financially But I can't because I'm trapped In Rock bottom.

My friend Paige had me thinking about something from her blog. If I was 16 and you asked me where I saw my self at almost 24 years old I would never picture this, but doesn't everyone say that. If you are one of those people who thought in 10 years I'm gonna be doing this and this and be here and have this and actually got all that then thank the good Lord above. ( woo the grammar in that sentence lol) I feel like nobody actually gets where they thought they were gonna be. I was raised in the church and everyone told me " if ya want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"...God was probably having a heart attack when I thought I was gonna be with my "lover" at the time and be a nurse and be a marine and also semi famous. I was going to have a farm and never have kids (yuck hate those lil ankle biters) Fun fact 16 year old me that boy is using you, you hate caring for other people, you can't run for shit, and you hate people again, animals are expensive,

Dear computer technology journal diary thing that maybe someone will see someday when I'm dead. Life is genuinely scary...like I'm scared to leave my house scary. People are crazy and I believe the world needs a new disease to wipe out a large group of people....thats how I feel about the world. On the plus side of that morbidness I do have hope. I have hope that maybe the good days will out way the bad. There are more sane good people in the world then there are crazy lunatics. That at the end of the day when someone does you wrong you still do right, because come on that's what Jesus would do. I will forever be shocked by the things that go on in this world. I pray and hope the young man I'm raising is strong, respectful, and has an open mind about things. I hope he has the courage to stand up to people who can't stand up for  themselves. I hope he respects other peoples differences that make them so unique. I will raise my son as a Christian believer. We will g

Dear blog diary, The bad days are really hard. I feel so alone sometimes. I know this is the stupidest thing, but I try so hard to meet knew people and try so hard to fit in with groups that it makes it 10 times harder when I'm rejected. I am a grade a loner. Personal space is a must...but when you have a baby you never get that. Something or someone is always touching you and it is literally making my skin crawl. So getting away for an hour or two is wanted and needed, but never happens. Do u know what the longest time I've spent away from my son since he has been born...and hour..we cosleep so he's still there at night.  Loving my kid is easy, he's perfect to me, but liking him is a different story sometimes. Having my son put me in a totally different ball park of groups and let me tell you mom social media is vicious. I reach out and ask questions on Twitter and not one mom will respond (and I know they are out there...watching...waiting...) the Facebook group page

You ever just randomly started a book and  got so into it you just couldn't put it down. I love reading. I always have and I'm fairly certain I always will. If someone could put the smell of a fresh new inked book in a candle you can bet I would own every one. Reading a book is literally the one thing nobody can take away from me. I can imagine the story how I want it. It takes you places you've never gone. Historical fiction and contemporary love stories are my favorite right now. It's like entering into a new world and having new friends. I wish everybody read just so I could discuss books with them. I would love to just have a reading party. Bring your favorite book, comfiest pjs, and your favorite beverage and just read until you fall asleep. Reading right before bed is the best because my dream will usually relate to the book I've just read. I would love to do book reviews, but there is just to much difference of opinions out there for that. Cheap used books

Perfect days are so rare and so wonderful when they happen. It's a beautiful sunny 75 degrees and a breeze is blowing to keep you cool. I worked out in the garden, went into town and paid bills, got a few toys for my kid, got the yard mowed, took a shower, my child is napping, it's not hot...i could go on and on about how wonderfully simple the past few days have been. It's funny how things change. It's the little things that make me so happy now. Like seeing how happy your husband is when you tell him you snagged him tickets to pkemongofest before they sold out. These days are amazing, but I can't help think what makes them amazing is my sanity in knowing we have structure in our lives. A routine that is so common and would bore anyone else is where my happiness comes from. I live for it...the clothes are put away, the kitchen is clean, the cats are healthy, I just want to come back and read this when their aren't perfect days to remind myself that it's no

You ever wonder what it takes to be Happy? I feel like everybody is either always happy or everybody does a great job of faking it. I know it's silly in a world to think I'm the only one that feels a certain way, but sometimes I feel so in between the lines.  (Fun fact that's what my entire blog page was called) I have always felt that I have lived between the lines. I was never right or left in highschool, I was somewhere in the middle. I'm not awful at sports, but I'm not great at them either. I am not a "beat you over the head with a bible" believer, but I'm not "there's nothing out there" either. I can't cook , but I can bake. I have days where you can see my ribs and then days where I have 3 belly rolls when I sit down. That darn Britney Spears song plays in my mind 1000 times a day sometimes...and you know which one I am referring to. The one where it's like not a girl not yet a woman...well that's my life. I'm a 23

So this is gonna be one of those post/blog that maybe someone will get some use out of. Sometimes I feel so bad because I don't do anything. I don't work or go to school. I just stay home and take care or my kid. (Let's be honest though daycare is way to much) anyway, I can tell when I haven't been productive because I feel sluggish and useless and I really get depressed. So these are things I do that hopefully you can do to help you. 10: GET A PLANNER: Now before you say I have nothing to write in a planner,  I don't ever actually use it, or i use it for like a month and then never touch it again. I did everyone of those things above.  9.  WRITE WHAT YOU DO IN A DAY IN THAT PLANNER: it helps me feel so much more productive by just actually using the planner. I write every mundane thing down. Like I took shower, I did the dishes, I read in my book. And by the end of the week I can see everything I did. Sometimes just taking a shower is an accomplishment for me som

As I lay here thinking about blogging and stuff.  I realize how much I hate physically writing my thoughts down. But this is so much faster. So instead of treating this like a blog where I post actually bloggy  things (ya know blog stuff) I'm just gonna write what I would in a journal. This is so much more convenient and faster. This will be my personal open to the world diary. As I wrote that, i didn't realize how scary that last sentence sounded. Now it's not like the world knows who I am and I'm pretty sure only one person reads these (whaddup  paige) blogs of mine. If, however, a person should stumble upon this just know i am a person who makes mistakes. I also am the person who writes these on my phone under a window unit breastfeeding my squirmy 7month old. So these will be gargled thoughts that aren't finished and probably spit back at the phone. I do a lot of time explaining myself because I am always so worried about offending somebody. I hate hurting peo

What do you do when you are angry with God? Yup, I said it I am so freaking pissed off at God. I am a person of great Faith. I have been in every bible class, every church service, every Awana Program, If it was at the Church you can bet your last dollar that I was there to. I am a lot older now and my faith has become so lost in this world. Something I was so firm in when I was young is so torn now that I am older. You can call me naïve and you can say that I am just now learning the world is bad and question my faith and ask why I still even believe. ( woo run on sentence there). Want me to be real black and white honest. I don't know why I still believe. That breaks my heart, it truly and utterly breaks my heart that my faith is so lost that I cant even find my way back to it. It always creeps in my head ( and your local preacher would say that's the devil in which hes probably right) the question of Why do bad things happen to good people? The older I get the more I notic

Today, is the first day I am truly alone. As in my child, I, and our 6 cats our without the man of the house. NOW,  this is something I've dealt with before. Being an Army Wife..(Oh did I mention that?) I am accustomed to being alone. However, this is the first time I am alone with our son and no family around. What is one to do with life..with a 6 month old baby and in a weird state you don't call home. Well I'll tell ya what to do ( more like offer...im not leader) NOTHING. I am going to do what I do every day, just like any other time. I will clean, I will work in the garden, and I will take my son to his ridiculously  over priced mommy and me play classes. The days will go on just like any other days, but the nights however those will be hard. See the front door that he usually comes through at 7ish..well ok 8ish (thanks army) won't be open. Dinner won't be on the table and this means dishes won't be in The sink The computer in the man cave won't be on

10 Facts About Me: 10. I love Reading. I would insert some generic quote about reading here, but I feel that is a little try to hard to make you believe I am a reader. 9. Historical fiction is my favorite genre anything. 8. My husband, my son, and I all have middle names that start with M and we think its awesome. Probably more awesome then it really is, but hey ya gotta get your laughs somehow #cheapcomedy 7. I love cats. Like way to much. I will not specify how many cats I own for fear of judgment....ahahaha just kidding I own 6. So now that we got that out there, just know I will choose my cats over other human interaction any day of the week 6. I hate Religion. I literally grew up in church and I hate how it makes people. I LOVE MY FAITH. I love the good lord above and let my knees hit the ground every night before bed. I am still coming to learn about my faith in the Lord. Its a journey 5. I love spaghetti and Toast. I also weigh 130 pounds. I have no idea how because

 So, I guess this is my new way to talk to the world since I can not seem to get the courage to say what I actually want to out loud. My name is Jessica and this is my blog. I have no idea how long I will actually go at this. My best friend Paige enticed me to get one of these so we could talk back and forth ( ya, know because we are cool hipsters). If I stick with this, then this is probably one of those things I will look back and be embarrassed by what I wrote and it will be very cringeworthy. Few things to know about me is that I am growing as a person and in this present time in life I am so incredibly lost. I think what truly saddens me is that I shouldn't be sad or lost. I have a degree, a husband, and a healthy baby boy.  I also have shelter, food, money in the bank, and support from family that are a few days drive away. Sadly, I sit here emptier then a pitcher of lemonade on a hot summer day. I am a stay at home mom and I am so thankful I can be. My son is the greates