Between The Lines

I am a big memory person. I remember every feeling, every thought, and every hope a big situation in my life brought me. I can't just let stuff go. I try, but it only works for so long. Wishing to forget the past is a hard thing to get a grip on. The past is what makes us who we are, but I feel like it such a hard thing to let go of but still hold on to the lesson. For instance, I am a huge creeper like internet stalker times 10. That's a huge embarrassing confession, but it's honest, but here's the kicker I don't do anything with the information I find nor care for it. I just want to know that people from my past are alive and how their lives are going. I creep people that I've literally never said a word to in my life, just simply went to the same high school with. 🙈 I hate me sometimes. The memories that hurt are the people I actually talked to. You could say I'm hung up on the past, but if someone asked me if I wanted to go back I'd say...

How do I become happy with my life? I read and read about all these people who hated their life so they simply quit their jobs sold all their shit and  started over. Well I'm married, no job, and 1 kid. I can't do those things. I depend on my husband for stability and my son depends on me for well every thing else. Post partum depression is real and it hits you at the weirdest times. You would think at 10 months I would have my shit together, but I can't help but think of all the ways my life has changed. I can't just go hangout with friends or just think about myself. Everything has to be planned out. I love my son so much and I would probably literally die of heartache if he weren't around, but I am genuinely a sad person now a days. I wish someone cared about me the way I care about my son and my husband's well being.  Eh this is all I have time to write. Well honestly it's all the energy I have to write. Maybe I'll come back and be a little happ...

I love watching YouTube videos. I love watching peoples vlogs and videos they make. I have a few people I've watched forever, but it is so sad to see how money changes people. I was going through the annual back to school videos. (I want all the school supplies) and I look at all the stuff they are giving away and just buying because it's cute. Most of these people are in their early 20s literally buying 1000s of dollar worth of school supplies to earn followers and likes. It makes me wonder about all the moms and dads ouut there scraping by to just by their kids the bare minimum. I remember wanting the lisa Frank folders and the colorful pens. I did not grow up poor but I certainly was not wealthy & I remember being allowed 1 pretty folder and the rest were the ones my mom could get for 25cents.  I totally understand it's their money they worked for it...but damn I feel like maybe going into target and seeing a mom shopping for her kid right there and then and buying...

There are few things in this world I hate more then being a military wife....that being raw onions, Hitler, and people who wear socks with flip flops. However being a military wife is my number one hatred. I hate it..absolutely hate it. I hate the dependant status. I hate the other wives. I hate the moving. I hate being married to the military and not my actual husband. I hate how it dictates our life. I hate the PT. I hate the deployments. The wives who have been married to men who are higher in rank are all like " look at all this money" and I'm like look at all you sacrificed for it. It's just not fucking worth it. I am currently a 2 days drive away from any of my family. I have lost all my friends except like 2. I gave up my career. Can't go back to school because well we move again  to soon to start a program in any college. I have to take whatever stupid part time job I can get just to have some purpose. The military wife stigma is to stay home and pop  ...

Loneliness and anger just keep building I am in a cage with the door wide open I want to run and never look back I want to give up and let go I wish I had listen to everyone I can't believe how ignorant I am But I guess that's what I am I'm easy I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy Even if it cost me my own happiness I can't pretend any longer I can't do the work all by myself any longer But I'll keep doing it I want to be selfish now I want to pursue my dreams I want to live where I choose I want help when I ask for it I want someone to support me mentally not financially But I can't because I'm trapped In Rock bottom.

My friend Paige had me thinking about something from her blog. If I was 16 and you asked me where I saw my self at almost 24 years old I would never picture this, but doesn't everyone say that. If you are one of those people who thought in 10 years I'm gonna be doing this and this and be here and have this and actually got all that then thank the good Lord above. ( woo the grammar in that sentence lol) I feel like nobody actually gets where they thought they were gonna be. I was raised in the church and everyone told me " if ya want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"...God was probably having a heart attack when I thought I was gonna be with my "lover" at the time and be a nurse and be a marine and also semi famous. I was going to have a farm and never have kids (yuck hate those lil ankle biters) Fun fact 16 year old me that boy is using you, you hate caring for other people, you can't run for shit, and you hate people again, animals are expensive, ...

Dear computer technology journal diary thing that maybe someone will see someday when I'm dead. Life is genuinely scary...like I'm scared to leave my house scary. People are crazy and I believe the world needs a new disease to wipe out a large group of people....thats how I feel about the world. On the plus side of that morbidness I do have hope. I have hope that maybe the good days will out way the bad. There are more sane good people in the world then there are crazy lunatics. That at the end of the day when someone does you wrong you still do right, because come on that's what Jesus would do. I will forever be shocked by the things that go on in this world. I pray and hope the young man I'm raising is strong, respectful, and has an open mind about things. I hope he has the courage to stand up to people who can't stand up for  themselves. I hope he respects other peoples differences that make them so unique. I will raise my son as a Christian believer. We will g...